Apr 2 2013

Time to write again!

On the phone with my Mom yesterday, she told me about this Doctor she went to who claimed to be able to help people heal from physical pain by helping them identify strong emotions they are holding onto and releasing them.  She has been experiencing debilitating hip pain which is now keeping her up at night and causing her to limp, so she’s been searching for help from different types of Doctors.  For a mere $97 this particular Doctor provided  a 30 minute session where through muscle testing and a series of questions he concluded that the cause of her pain and the emotional baggage she needed to let go of was from some financial grudge or injury she had experienced at age 25.  If she simply “let go” of that emotional pain, she would heal.  As I listened to my Mom search her memory of where she was and what happened at age 25 and wondering how she was supposed to “let go” of something she hadn’t thought about in nearly 40 years it got me thinking.  Is there causation effect? Does emotional pain directly result in physical pain?  What emotional baggage am I carrying around and which physical symptoms are a direct result of that emotional baggage?  Most importantly, how do we let go of emotional baggage?  No seriously, tell me.  How do YOU personally release emotional baggage?

My advice to Mom was to write down what she needs to emotionally heal from and talk about it in detail to someone.  Writing and talking always seems to help me when I am struggling emotionally.  So then why don’t I do it more often?  I thought about when I have felt the healthiest and happiest in my life and I can certainly tell you, it hasn’t been lately.  I felt much healthier and happier a few years ago.  When I was running a lot, blogging a lot, and talking to Aaron about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve then.  Well why wouldn’t I?  They were almost always happy.  And when hard things happened, I was pretty good at letting things roll right off because there was inevitably sunshine and blue skies right over the next hill.  Over the past couple of years though, I’ve been through some pretty heavy storms.  Aaron and I, we’ve had some “curve balls” so to speak.  The ease with which I naturally feel happy on a daily basis has been challenged.  And along the way, unfortunately I’ve developed a bad habit.  It has become my habit to either downplay the severity of my negative emotions or simply keep them to myself.  I am a strong person, you know, and I wouldn’t want to admit that I feel overwhelmed and loaded down by the crappy hand I’ve been dealt.  Because isn’t it all in my mind anyway?  I mean, everyone has trials, why can’t I just get over it and deal with mine gracefully?  Just shut up and don’t whine about it, Nan.  Pretend everything’s fine and eventually it will be.
My current state of health?  Constant back and neck pain. Extreme fatigue and occasional dizziness. Low motivation and depression.  Tendon pain in my hands, feet, and ankles.  Irritability, headaches, brain fog, clumsiness, and poor short term memory.  For MONTHS I dismissed my symptoms on poor sleep due to waking up to nurse the baby, back pain due to carrying said 18 lb baby for multiple hours a day, or neck pain from kinking my neck down to gaze into her eyes as I nurse her.  Brain fog and poor memory from laziness in my organization.  Depression from not serving others often enough or not praying sincerely enough or not feasting upon the words of Christ often enough.  And then of course there was that nasty viral cold that everyone and their dogs got this winter and Kelsie and I seemed to have for two solid months.  Maybe I’m just still sick with a virus?  But I could’t help but feel like there might be something more going on.  So last week I finally went to the Dr. for some blood work.  I was not at all surprised when my Dr. found that I have low Iron and low Vit. D, which are to major necessities for energy and brain function.  An Iron IV and some Vit. D capsules are aiming me back towards health now but I still find myself wondering if there is EVEN MORE STILL.  Really, more?  Surely the interrupted sleep, low iron, low vit. D, and simply the everyday stressors of life are pieces of the puzzle, causing me to experience tortorous physical symptoms.  But is my emotional baggage from the storms of life a big final piece of the puzzle, and could it possibly be the largest contributor?  Only one way to find out.  Let them go.
How do I do that?  Any suggestions?  For starters, I’m going to take my own advice and talk.  I’m going to make an effort to open up more often to my husband, my Mom, my family, my friends.  I’ve already started doing this.  Sorry if you’ve had the misfortune of asking me how I’m doing and I dumped a load on you.  Aaron can attest that I’m sweeping plenty of emotional shrapnel out of my head quite regularly here at home. I am also going to try my darned-ness to make time in my day for WRITING.  No wait, I am not going to TRY, I am going to DO. As Yoda suggests.  There is no try.  Only Do.  Yeeeesssss……write……..will I. We watched the Star Wars Trilogy over the past month and my 8-y-o son has been speaking in Yoda tongue all week, I love it.
Aaron has been telling me to write for months, but I just keep making excuses.  I need to nurse the baby, play with the baby, bathe the baby, take a shower, exercise, do the laundry, clean the house, cook, take the kids to their things, shop for food, take a nap, take care of X, Y, or Z….you name it.  There is always other things to do.  But let the house be dirty, the family eat leftovers, and the laundry pile up because I need to write.  Hopefully it will be therapeutic and healing for me.  And hey, since I have this nice little blog here with my name as the title, I think I’ll do it here.  Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen.  Watch out below!  Baggage drop-off here.

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3 comments | posted in emotional healing, healing, illness, injury, stress, struggle

Oct 18 2011

Physical and mental healing

As my body has been healing from hip surgery I’m realizing just how closely our mental health is tied to our physical health.  Right after surgery I had a lot of hope and optimism about life and was looking forward to recovering and getting back to full strength again.  But as the days wore on and I endured the disability and weakness induced by surgery, I started to feel discouraged and depressed.  I often reviewed the chain of events that led to me needing hip labral repair (over-training, muscle weakness and imbalance, lack of patience or intuition in my training to name a few).  I became angry with myself for inducing the injury.  I realized that I made the mistake of following a training plan perfectly but not listening to my body enough to intercept the injury before it got severe.  Then I started to feel scared to get back into running again and wondered if I could regain the drive push my body close to its limit again or if I’d rather just take it easy and avoid pushing my body for fear of injuring myself again.  I hated to think of the future troughs in the roller coaster of life that are sure to exist as I keep striving to climb up the hills.  I felt depressed and overwhelmed by my physical imperfections and uncertain that my body is durable enough to be a professional marathon runner.  Just as my hip and leg was weak and injured, my mental outlook was skewed and dysfunctional as well. Then I realized something.  Not only do I need to be patient and persistent in my efforts to heal my hip but I also need to address what my mind is going through and recognize that I have some mental healing to do as well.  I need to be patient with my mind and allow myself to acknowledge those fears and doubts so I can identify their source and learn from them.  I kept hoping that at any moment I would snap out of the mental funk I’ve been in but its not so much of a “snap” as it is a slow, persistent process of buffing out the scars and false beliefs in my mind.  Just as I have to do physical therapy every day on my hip to regain the muscle and normal range of motion and strength, I also need to exercise my mind in positive thinking and affirmations to regain normal function and mental power.
Our minds are just as susceptible to injury as our bodies but too often these mental injuries are overlooked or suppressed.  Over the past couple of months since surgery many of my friends and acquaintances ask me how my hip is doing and they often assume that I am doing great since I am no longer in crutches or limping noticeably.  I usually just report on the positive improvements in my hip but lately have decided to also take note of the healing that is going on in my mind too.  I am regaining my optimism and hope.  I am affirming my faith and mental power.  I can now acknowledge that the lesson’s I’ve learned about training, rest and recovery, and listening to my body may actually be the tools I need to not only get back to where I was with my fitness and racing, but surpass my previous marks.  I realize that I still have a long road before me but I am committed to patience in the journey and faith in the destination.   I’m gradually extinguising my pessimism and replacing it with optimism.  As I am healing physically I am now able to run 30 minutes a day plus cross-training, and I can now see light at the end of the tunnel and future racing ahead!
I believe that in every difficulty or failure there is a seed for an equal and opposite success.  I hope I can learn everything God intends me to learn from this challenge and turn it into fuel for future growth and progress. I choose to be an optimist.
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”  -Winston Churchill
“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.”  ~Scott Hamilton

4 comments | posted in healing, injury, recovery

Apr 11 2011

Working out the kinks

Phew!  I am finally starting to get really excited about Boston again after a couple of weeks of cross training and therapy.  My left leg and foot is feeling much better and my confidence is back.  People keep telling me their personal stories of cross training before big races and still running great.  Coach D. pointed out that Joan Benoit Samuelson had arthroscopic knee surgery 17 days before the 1984 Olympic Trials and cross trained pretty much her entire last three weeks.  She won the trials AND the Olympic Games a few months later.  I have been keeping my body sharp and fit while trying to stay mentally tough even without a lot of running.  I’ve also been trying to evaluate what may have been the cause of my sudden flare up of problems.  I think the main cause is simply training harder than I ever have while having a break-through season (doesn’t come without its set-backs.)  I also think my new orthotics and changing them three different times this season may have confused my legs and feet a bit too much.  In the coming weeks you can be sure I will be doing everything possible to strengthen my feet and step off the plantar faciitis pain train.  But for the next week I’m just going to keep focusing on rest, recovery and positive thoughts going into Boston

My week in review:

Monday A.M. 40 min. pool run, therapy with Dr. Tim. P.M. 30 min. swim

Tuesday A.M. 70 min. elliptical w/8×3 min. hard pushes, massage with Erin P.M. Weights/core plus 30 min. pool run

Wednesday 60 min. pool run, 2 hour nap

Thursday A.M. 45 min. pool run, massage and kinesio tape with Rob. P.M. 4 mile easy run on Kitt Field; felt pretty good!

Friday 80 min. pool run with intervals at Rally Sport with Katie F., Sarah, Bean, and Cheri.  It was nice to have friends to chat with.  I tried to do a lot of the run without a float belt and by the time I finished, my shoulders were PUMPED.  ART with Richey afterwards.  Sarah says I’m a “therapy whore.”  I say I’m just trying to hit this injury from all angles.  After all, each therapist I saw this week offered a slightly different approach. I figure something’s gotta give.

Saturday 6 mile run with Aaron, 6 strides mixed in plus 40 min. pool run right after.  Bumped into Joanna, Kathy, Colleen, and Coach at FAC.  My spirits were lifted by their optimism, encouragement, and smiling faces.  P.M. Cleaned out the garage and it is now miraculously pleasant to walk through!  Took the kids to see Hop. Cute!

Sunday Day of Rest.  Took a 2 hour nap after Church.

2 comments | posted in ART, cross training, elliptical, injury, massage

Apr 4 2011

First, a trial of my faith

Usually when an uncomfortable, inconvenient mishap occurs in my life my immediate reaction is to feel discouraged and upset.  Then I take a step back and remember that every time these things happen they lead to growth, gained wisdom, and eventual blessings.  From my experience, whenever God is preparing me to receive something amazing he first tests my faith with a challenge.  Maybe he’s testing me to see if I am ready to receive the gift he has in mind or maybe its simply to help me feel even more grateful as I feel the stark contrast between less than ideal circumstances and amazing vistas.  ”Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” Ether 12:6

Our BYU Cross Country team indubitably experienced this phenomenon right before the 2001 NCAA Cross Country Championships in Greenville, South Carolina.  We were favored to win the NCAAs that year and we looked stronger than ever in the Mountain Region meet a few weeks before NCAAs.  Shorty after the Region meet our top runner, Misa suddenly started unraveling and was not feeling good mentally or physically going into NCAAs.  Maybe she was over-training or had just been going too hard for too long and needed a break.  Whatever the reason, we were all a little worried.  Everyone was trying to talk her back into feeling confident while praying that she could pull it back together for one last great race at the NCAAs and hopefully lead our team to the win.  A few days before the race, we departed SLC for Greenville with a layover in Atlanta.  As chance would have it, just as we landed in Atlanta there was a security breech in the Atlanta airport and all flights out were cancelled.  We sat in the Altlanta airport for a few hours while Coach tried in vain to get someone to give us our checked bags off the plane so we could drive to Greenville.  Finally accepting the fact that our bags were stuck there we got a few rental cars and drove the remaining 3 hours to Greenville, arriving at our hotel after midnight on Friday night before the Monday race.

After checking into the hotel a few of us went to our trainer, Kevin’s hotel room door with cups so he could share his saline solution with those of us who wore contacts and had put our contact lens cases in our checked bags, which were stuck in Atlanta.  In our team meeting the next morning we all proudly affirmed that we had heeded Coach Shane’s incessant promptings to carry-on our racing spikes and uniforms in case something like this happened.  Our training shoes and running clothes on the other hand…well, those were in our checked bags still in Atlanta.  Only a few of my teammates had the foresight to wear their running shoes on the plane.  The majority of us, myself included chose sandals.  ’Cmon, we were going to the South after all.  Its so WARM there.

We were all a little worried that we would not get our running shoes and clothes in time to run the course and do some strides to loosen up our travel legs.  Coach may have been slightly upset with us for not being fully prepared for this exact circumstance.  It was stressful and Coach Shane spent a lot of time on the phone talking to the airline and airport personnel.  Finally around 4 or 5 PM on Saturday, our bags arrived in Greenville and we went straight to the course to loosen our legs.  Misa was still feeling flat and unexcited to race but the rest of us were just grateful to have our shoes and clothes and looking forward to our Sunday rest day before the race on Monday morning.

On Sunday we all went to Church together and had a restful day concluded by a team devotional.  Our team captain, Tara read “The Little Engine That Could” and we shared our thoughts about the impending race. Coach Shane reminded us to trust in ourselves, in each other, in our training, and in the Lord to help us do our best.  Our words of faith and encouragement to each other brought the light and excitement back into Misa’s eyes and we all felt happy and grateful for the peace in the room.  It was one of the most powerful devotionals I had ever been a part of.  As we ended with a group prayer, we all felt unified and close.  We were so aware and tuned into our friendship and trust in each other that it didn’t even matter what the outcome of the race would be because we all knew we were each going to give our best for each other.

The next morning as the NCAA Championships got underway we toed the line together with great excitement and confidence gained from the night before.  The gun went off and after  a fast first quarter mile the course took a sharp turn to the right and one of my teammates Sarah, who was running a few spots ahead of me stumbled and was pushed flat on the ground.  My teammate Amy and I saw it happen and said, “Sarah!  Trust!” as we went by.  Sarah quickly jumped back up, only losing a few seconds.  I had been the 6th runner for our team all season and Sarah had consistently been 4th or 5th.  As she got back into her groove, I was impressed by her toughness and tried to draw strength from her tenacity.  Misa, Jessie, Tara, Lindsey, Sarah, Myself, and Amy all gave our BEST that day and finished remarkably well, securing 1st place by a margin of 86 points.

For me, the moral of that story is to have faith and know that struggle and discomfort is given to us to test our faith and patience.  This week I have have been struggling with some discomfort and nerves.  After coming off a great run in the 15K championships and then heading straight into two big training weeks with lots of quality interval work, I felt GREAT and my fitness continued to improve.  As any runner knows, its a fine line between training optimally and over-training and I may have taken a step or two over the line.  By the end of those two solid weeks, I had a sudden outcropping of problems in my left leg.  You name it, its tight…glut/hip/hamstring/calf/plantar facia….all tight.  After taking Sunday off (as usual) and trying to work out the tightness with ART, massage, and ice while continuing to run, I found myself limping through the last set Tuesday’s workout.  I stopped, told Coach I was finished, and jogged back to my car.  Coach D and the rest of the team returned a few minutes later and Coach, Aaron, and I made a plan for recovery which included pool running, swimming, elliptical, whatever I could do to keep moving while allowing the pains in my left leg to recover.  Three therapy sessions and three days of cross training later, the problems subsided and I decided to run part of the workout on Saturday.  It felt okay but I could tell my plantar facia was still not happy.  Sunday morning just getting around the house was a limpathon and I have since resolved to stick to cross training as long as needed until everything feels really good.  While it is definitely a ”less than ideal circumstance” to be struggling with pain two weeks from Boston, I also recognize that a little extra rest during my taper may be a blessing in disguise.  I know that my fitness is great and I have prepared well for this marathon.  ”The hay is in the barn,” so to speak.  Now its time to rest, recover, and work out the niggles before the big day.

I had the pleasure of listening to LDS General Conference for a combined 8 hours on Saturday on Sunday and was strengthened by the messages I heard.  Aaron’s former Mission President, Elder Kent Richards gave a fabulous discourse on Pain.  He said, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education; to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility.  It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation that we gain the education that we have come here to acquire.  Pain brings you to a humily that allows you to ponder.”  So here I am, pondering.  Taking note of the things I could do differently next time to avoid this same circumstance. Praying that I can overcome this trial.  Pleading with God for a speedy recovery so that I will be able to give one last gutsy effort of this season in Boston.  I am mentally ready and physically fit and I have faith that my body will cooperate.

For more uplifting encouragement, I also enjoyed a Sunday morning talk by Elder Paul V. Johnson as he spoke about overcoming trials and tribulations.

My week in training:

Monday- 8 miles with strides

Tuesday – 10 miles with 4 miles of intervals

Wednesday – 60 minutes of pool running

Thursday – 45 minutes of pool running

Friday – 60 minutes of pool running, a half mile of running, and a 30 minute bike ride with Bre in the toddler seat (so fun).

Saturday -12.5 miles with 4 miles at MP

9 comments | posted in Faith, cross training, injury, struggle

Jan 18 2010

Little tight

7 miles in 8:20 pace

Healing slowly, but surely.  Hamstring felt better after a day of rest yesterday but now after my run this morning its a little tight again.  I’ve iced it a few times today.  I’ll cross train tomorrow and try running again on Wednesday.  I also have an appointment with Richey, the Chiropractor on my team tonight to get some work done on it.

The good news is that my sickness that kept persisting all last week (pink eye, congestion, fatigue, headache, ect.) has finally passed!

no comments | posted in easy running, injury

Jan 15 2010

Injury still healing

7 miles 8:49 pace

Another slow, easy run.  But a RUN, nonetheless!   It just feels right to take it easy as my injury is still healing.  If I push the pace, it causes me to alter my form and I don’t want that to cause an injury somewhere else.  Nice and sunny here again today.  Gotta love mid-50s in January!

no comments | posted in easy running, injury

Jan 13 2010

Start winning these battles anytime

0 miles

Got a deep tissue massage last night and, woah.  I felt it this morning.  My back was so sore and achey ’cause she elbowed it SO hard.  She also went more cautiosly into my gluts, hammys, and IT band especially focusing on my right leg where the trouble is.  I didn’t work out today because I just wanted to give my body another day to recover from the massage, the injury, and the illness that has been plaguing me for 5 days now (pink eye, body ache, congestion, headache, ect).   I’m ready for my body to start winning these battles anytime now.

Despite feeling pretty beat, I did get a lot done around the house today.  Swept and mopped the entire garage (it was extremely gross from all the mud our cars had tracked in over the past few months).  Washed and folded 6 loads of laundry.  Cleaned the bathrooms.  Vacuumed the house.  Plus the usual feeding of kids 3 times, cleaning the kitchen after every meal, and a 2 hour grocery shopping adventure.

no comments | posted in injury, recovery, rest day

Jan 11 2010

Decided not to race

4 miles equivalent

Tried running for .25 miles on the treadmill and this injury is still crippling me!  There is no point in running like a crazy limping person, so I just stopped and did the elliptical for 40 minutes, which still aggravated the injury slightly.

I’ve officially decided to not race this weekend.  Even if my injury does start feeling better later this week its very unlikely that I will be 100% ready to go all out for 13.1 miles by Sunday.  What is more likely to happen if I race is that I’ll re-injure myself and extend my recovery time further.  I’d rather recover as quickly as possible and get back to my regular training so I can be ready for Boston in April.

no comments | posted in injury, recovery

Jan 9 2010

One day at a time

0 miles

Went to bed early last night after pounding the vitamins hoping for a speedy recovery from illness.  Feeling more energized and healthy today but my bum/hamstring strain is actually worse than it was yesterday.  Weird?  I didn’t exercise at all yesterday but did have Aaron rub out my legs a little.  Today I have a limp even while walking.  Even so, I did put on my running clothes and attempt running down the street but the limp was obnoxiously hindering so I walked back.  Called Coach D to chat and ask advice and he said to rest it and maybe go see Richey on the team (he’s a Chiropractor).   Still waiting to hear back from Richey.  This injury is REALLY frustrating timing with the Houston Half next weekend.  I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time.  If I can’t run without pain next week I will have to pull out of the race.  Its a depressing thought because I’ve really been looking forward to going to Houston to run with elite women and my training has been going well up until last week when I had the knee issue.  I think I could still PR if my bum would cooperate but I am not certain that will happen.  I’m trying to keep a positive attitude either way.  I keep thinking about what caused this injury and I think it is probably mostly related to running on cruddy, slippery snow and ice over the past month.  Winter running can be pretty precarious.

Aaron had another one of his fix n’ flip homes robbed yesterday so he took the kids on a drive to go check out the damage.  Luckily only the appliances were stolen and no vandalism occurred so its just $1,500 to replace the appliances.  Not fun, but could have been worse. While they were gone I took Aaron’s car in to get an oil change and walked over to my gym to lift weights and do core while I waited.  Afterwards I washed his car and went to Vitamin Cottage for a few things.  Aaron is out on a long run right now and I’m jealous.

no comments | posted in injury, robbed, weight lifting

Jan 8 2010

Sick

0 miles

Crashed into my bed last night after a loooooong day with my 18-month-old crying and being clingy because she’s sick.  Woke up this morning feeling sick myself.  And my bum/hamstring muscle still painfully tight.  No running today, just another long day with sick 18-month-old and other two kids to take care of while not feeling well.  Ugh.

no comments | posted in injury, sick